I’ve decided that it’s just not realistic for someone like me, who lives in an urban environment and doesn’t own a car and doesn’t watch TV, to catch enough wild animals to supply my family with all of the animal fat we need for soapmaking.
Now, I could totally catch enough rats by using a humane-catch rat trap, and then killing the rats. But Cate has this quaint hang-up about rats, and she doesn’t want to use soap made from rat fat, or store dead rats in our freezer. So, whatever. I guess no one is perfect.
While I wait for her to change her mind about the rats, I’ve decided the best option for getting good quality fat is to buy livestock and slaughter it myself.
My first attempt was a goat I bought on Craigslist ($220! For a goat!). I picked it up and brought it back home on the Metro by putting a leash and harness on it, wearing sunglasses, and telling anyone who asked that it was a guide dog.
So, here’s how it worked out. I was in my backyard getting ready to slaughter the goat. I’d taken my shirt off to keep blood off of it, and I had a replica Sword of Gryffindor I bought from the Skymall catalog on a cross-country flight after I’d been drinking a little. I wasn’t able to find a chart showing the fattiest cuts of meat on a goat, but I found one for pigs, which I figured was pretty close.
I was chasing the goat around the yard with the sword when out comes my neighbor Noah, who starts yelling “what the f are you doing?” and “are you insane?” and “is that a tramp stamp on your back?” He called the cops, they took my goat, and from what I understand they gave it to the petting farm at the National Zoo.
Now, I happen to know that Noah eats meat, because of the time a cloth diaper blew off our clothesline onto the steaks he was grilling. Well, you know what, Noah? If you eat meat, you don’t get to freak out when you see someone slaughtering an animal. How do you think that meat ended up on your plate? Pretty much exactly like what you saw me just do.